New business, new hobby and new me.

Wow, it has been nearly a month since I posted! That is not cool of me, but it shows just how insanely busy I have been, so the time has come to update you all. I have been doing a bunch of new things lately, my friends and I launched SCC News, a puppet broadcast for our Church where we bring information and laughs. I also laid the framework for starting my own business, and on top of all that I got Baptised! Lots to tell, so let's get to it.


I guess I can go in order, first thing that is a big new deal in my life is our SCC News station. We are using puppets to interview people and bring news to our Church community, and so far they seem to love it. It is amazing how much people will talk to a puppet instead of a person, so we are getting some good stuff.

The puppets started out as a children ministry at Church, and grew from there into a ministry for all. Bringing information, learning and fun to all who view. Be sure to check out our website at www.sccnews.org.

This project introduced me to a whole new level of fun, taking things I love to do and making it more than a hobby. Recording and editing video, the creative aspects and website building are main points, but also the spending time with great people with like minds is an experience I could never duplicate.

I also launched thatryan's Computer Service. I am attempting to take my love of computers and helping people and turn it into a job for myself. I have even made business cards! I realize that the process will be slow to develop any type of customer base, if it even happens at all, but I have great friends and word of mouth is already spreading.

I have had an official job even! The director at my work, big boss lady, referred me to her mother who was having major computer issues. She contacted me, I set an appointment, I went over and fixed it, I got paid, she was thrilled! Very business like of me, sweeet. It was great fun and she asked for cards to give to her friends, so I am looking forward to seeing how the Lord works through this endeavor of mine and maybe this is a path I will get to journey on.

So, what else? Oh yeah, I got Baptised!! I could hardly believe that myself, I mean think of me not even six months ago, I was so depressed and full of hopelessness that I could barely make it through a Church service without reducing myself to tears and feelings of self hate. It was a pretty surreal experience, I was able to stand in front of an extra packed house to share my testimony of how God has moved in my life as I learn to let him take over.

The dunking was extra fun, ha, but it was a great feeling. The support and genuine love from the people in my community is beyond words, I was blessed to find them and look forward to walking with them for many years to come as my road continues. Guess I can share a little clip of what my testimony was, so I hope you enjoy! Thank you for stopping by.

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What Have I Been Doing? Videos with Puppets!

Pretty much that. Some friends from Church and I have been working on bringing the news to the folks using puppets from the puppet ministry for children. It has been a blast as we get to do so much, lots of editing and video and music what not. Basically play around for hours and come out with something cool.

I simply wanted to post this up to share what we have made so far. We decided to make an intro to the newscast that would be constant for each update, and that is what you are about to enjoy. :-)

So, I hope you like it, and keep in mind this is all in good fun!


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As Paper Beats Rock, So To Does Mind Beat Body

So I am not feeling that great. This contributed much to my blog absence for too long and I feel bad about it. More than anything this is a post to say Hi I am still alive, but barely kicking. Too many projects, too many thoughts on things to do, too much stress and anxiety and a constant feeling of dizziness. Some of the reasons explaining my void, and I am writing this through twitching eyes, so forgive my typos.

Not really sure where all this is coming from, but I need something to blame so why not eh? Medications are a funny thing.

We all know my story of poor genetics and my life in the church, but there was something that took place in between those two, and that is what I would like to talk about today. I have always had stress in my life, because believe it or not I am human, and compounding that with the revelation of disease pushed me into a beyond stress state that I maintained for about three years, just below the point of snapping.

My head actually exploded once, but thankfully I had enough rubber cement on hand to rectify it.

After my diagnosis, I was told to quit my job, thus began my endeavor to solve my problems by enrolling in school immediately, ignoring doctors entirely and drinking myself stupid. You can guess which of these was helpful. None is correct.
I managed to last that way until around February of last year, when sitting in class I realized I did not really know what was going on. I was observing my life but not really an active participant in it, which was a bit scary. I had a constant feeling of "out-of-it-ness" and a dizzy spell that felt like random shocks pulsing throughout my body. Eventually this all became too much to bear, though not consciously, so my body took things unto itself.

One night during a film class things got bad, I started to feel like something way wrong was about to happen and I literally ran out of the class and drove home. I guess I thought that home base was safe as it was playing freeze tag as a kid. It was not. Ironically shortly after reaching "home base" I became frozen, frozen in fear I felt a type of paralysis coming over me where everything bad that could happen was about to happen. This was panic, and it kicked my ass.

I ended up crying and shaking and convinced of my imminent death, this was the end for me. Luckily my roommate had just gotten home from snowboarding so his girlfriend, who would later be the one to introduce me to church, was there to try and help me. I did not know what was happening about anything, I simply remember grabbing her and begging her not to let me die. I was too scared to live and too afraid to die. This was my apocalypse.

On a side note to the above paragraph, I literally swelled with tears while writing that, even the memory is frightening to me, especially given that I have the exact symptoms reoccurring right now...

I ended up in the emergency room that night, after many hours they sent me home saying nothing was wrong with my blood work so they could do nothing. I felt the same way leaving as I did exiting, same pulsating feelings and fear throughout. My death had simply been postponed apparently.

I began seeing a doctor and became a patient at the Muscular Dystrophy clinic in San Francisco,another place I avoided when diagnosed. The doctor got me onto anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, you know, the expensive stuff. At about $200 a month for pills, I was hurting for money and a few months ago one bottle ran out, and I just never refilled it. The other bottle costs twice as much and required me to take two pills a day, and I went down to one pill.

Yes, I know, this was not a good idea, but at the time it saved me over $100 a month, and that was worth it, doubly so because I had been feeling fine, and continued to feel fine for about a month after starting this reduced intake. Well, my version of fine anyways. It never occurred to me until someone mentioned it that stopping medications can adversely affect your body. What? But I stopped a long time ago, would I not have felt its punishments then?

I can do multivariable calculus but I can not add 2 + 2. Not a good sign. So needless to say I took the advice of the greater mathematician I spoke with and refilled my prescription and started taking two a day again. Though as I sit here typing this I feel the same, if not worse, after two days of being back on. So I fail math again by wondering why I am not seeing a difference. Then again by asking myself what if it is not the medication absence that caused this feeling?

I can right now only pray that the meds are my problem, it is way too scary to contemplate something else, and I beg God to help me get fixed. It is impossible to concentrate on anything and I am losing interest in a great many things. School will be the first to suffer naturally, and what comes after that I do not know. But my head feels phased out of reality at present, and my body get perpetual little "shocks" as though I touched a light current, this is the only way I can describe it. It both sucks and scares the shit out of me.

So this is my story, my current story, and I hope I am around next week to post a new one. Because believe it or not, I still do not want to die. The difference is that this time around, I have something to live for.

Heavenly Father, please grant me the strength to rely on you and your will through this trying time of physical and emotional distress. Please take my hand and guide me to the proper path in which to receive your blessings. And Lord please take mercy on me and share with me your medicine of eternal compassion. In Jesus' name. Amen.

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Pulling Hope Out of Sorrow

I am guessing this title alone is gonna upset a few people I know, but rest assured this is not meant to be a sad rant of depression, but rather a journey into things that I feel and why I do so. So off the bat, I have some issues with being sad and overwhelmed by it at times. Some days are better than others, as is the case with anyone in their own situations.

I am always lonely, though I am never alone.
I am always unwanted, though I am loved by all.
When I think of myself, I tend to see only negative,
though when I examine myself, I revel in my positive.

Time for an adventure of self discovery...

It is so easy to turn nothing into something, to notice the dense, dark colors that appear to block the light you think you deserve to see, but what if you are already seeing it? What if those impassable colors are the only ones that you get in life? Such is the feeling of hopelessness, something that as of late I have been driving myself out of, and fairly successfully I think at times.

When one believes that all they can achieve is all that they already have, and nothing more, than there quite literally is no reason to push forward. There is nothing ahead except more of the same, and that is a disappointment that you already know you would rather not face. So what is the point? I think that the point is to not get to that point. What? Yes, and it makes sense if you think about it, however I can only comprehend it when looking backwards, the old hindsight is 20/20 adage is cliche, yet fitting. I know I have many things going for me, and yet the blanket of darkness is so heavy and relentless that they are stripped from me when I could use them the most.

After being diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, (see previous post ;) ) I drank; a lot. And that was what I needed to do at the time I suppose, it was easier to ignore the next wrong thing I had to deal with. The apparent no support system I had, being single for over a decade is quite detrimental to someone in the position of receiving horrible life altering news and having no comfort, only isolation. This only intensified the already depressed feelings I carried with me for all my life, and the diagnosis gave me evidence, instead of relief.

But why? Why did I, and do I, choose to view things such as that in the worst manner? It would be much harder to accept the change as something positive, because that means I actually have to work at it and persevere. whereas if I let it stack in the negative pile against me, I can easily give up because I know the negative dead end down that road, and I can use this new information to avoid it. So challenge one is realizing, and accepting, that yeah I have issues that are less than ideal, and it is not my fault. I cannot change anything and people still freakin' love the hell out of me, so what is the big deal!?

And why, for crying out loud, do I think my entire chances at happiness rest on finding a damn girl to give two craps about me? Sure I have never successfully asked a girl out, and sure I have literally been laughed at and told I was too ugly to date, now I am not going to lie, that shit is hard to take and even harder to find any sense of positive in, but there has to be, right? The obvious of course, that if people have that kind of attitude you don't want to be with them anyway, but still, a little "chance" at hope would be nice. The thing with this is, that it is about as much annoying to me as it is to those kind friends who put up with my bitching and whining about perpetual loneliness and how I have nothing because of it. What bullshit indeed! Grow up Ryan, for real. You have so much crap, yet lack one thing and that is what is going to ruin your life? I have got to change that track, and I know that, but it is hard. Once again, because it takes away the option of giving in, allowing the inevitable to happen.

You must fight for hope, it is not simply handed out.

I realize this post must seem like a rant of sorrow, but it is not. It is more like an explanation to myself of things I need to tell myself but myself wont listen to me. So maybe if it stares me in the face I can absorb it another way. Or maybe I just like to type? :)

My biggest problem with being lonely is that I am not lonely. When I feel alone I have to open my eyes and thank God for the people he allowed me to meet who can stand me and be there for me even when I may seem to take their friendships for granted. Putting the ideals of having a "date" seem a higher priority than the people who actually care about me. Likewise my problem with all my negatives is that they are not negatives. I have crap, but so do you. So does everyone. And i have to take that crap and categorize it with breathing or sleeping, just another "must do" in our daily lives, we all must deal with our issues, and we all must learn to exploit our positives.

I am a brilliant, compassionate soul who loves nothing more than helping others and giving more than he can, whilst maintaining a superb sense of humor and surrounding himself with the best friends the Lord could provide.

As I come to the end of this revelation, I am finding new evidence. Evidence that I will not use against me, but instead use for me. That is who I am, and that is all the proof I need.



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Muscular Dystrophy and Me

So this is probably going to be the tough one to write, guess subconsciously I was putting it off, or maybe not, it could have been on purpose. But then I get a suggestion in my cool little topic suggestion leaver, Skribit, (which you can find at the bottom of the page!) and decided it would be a good thing to talk about and share.

Personal stuff can be easy or hard, depending on the topic, naturally, but sometimes speaking of things that you struggle with can be helpful to not only you but also to others who may struggle with the same thing yet not able to speak up about it, or even know how to seek help for it. So maybe my story can help.

So without further, uh, anything, here is my story of muscular dystrophy and me.


Growing up I suppose was fairly normal, except for being very skinny and weak I was just a typical kid. Played countless sports and rough-housed with the best of them. Not until I was twenty-four years old, on nearly a whim did I find out that I had muscular dystrophy, or more precisely, Facioscapulohumeral Muscular Dystrophy. Yeah, a mouthful.

Things are tough, I'm not gonna lie to you, especially the mundane such as washing my hair or brushing my teeth. One of the biggest problems with this disease is that it destroys your scapular muscles, meaning the ones responsible for keeping your shoulder blades flat against your back. Now at first I thought it was not a big deal, as a kid I figured I was just extra skinny and it would grow out eventually, but I never put it together with my limited movement of arms that it could be an issue. You see, with your shoulder blades out of position, you are unable to raise your arms above shoulder level because half of your upper back is out of place, limited upper body movement is quite a hindrance. Yet I continued the sports and fun as a child, having no idea that something larger than a fast metabolism lurked in my genes.

It was not until my adult years when I had a steady career as an automotive technician did all these thoughts of what could be start to come together. As a mechanic, 90% of the work you do is under a car that is lifted on a rack with your arms raised over your head lifting and moving stuff. For someone who needs both arms to curl their beverage, you can imagine the difficulty of replacing a 10 pound starter motor over head level. I managed through most of these types of situations by, what else, improvising. I would literally through my hands above me and catch them on a wire, bolt, bracket or whatever was near where I had to be, sometimes it took two or three tries. Then I could usually use my pinky wrapped on something while my fingers manipulated what had to be done. Tedious? Yes. Difficult? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

The most annoying part of all this was that because of the actual problems that were present, blood flow was very minimal in that position, so my arms would fall asleep after a minute or two, sometimes causing me to drop things right on the old thought maker. It hurt.

So yeah, this pretty much sucked and I was nearing my wits end with the perpetual weakness and utter thoughts of personal failure that it brought to me. So I began to research. The odd thing about all the research was that I actually found my answer! Or so I thought. You see, thereis a nerve that runs down the back and arm that is very important, yet very exposed. Many athletes suffer injury to this Long Thoracic Nerve that causing their scapula to wing and an inevitable place on the disabled list until their body healed. I, having been an athlete most of my life, simply must fit into this category, as my symptoms matched, I had found the solution!

Next comes the trip to the Doctor, where I present my case, symptoms, and pretty much just ask for the corrective surgery so that I may begin my life again, as a normal human being. After the initial lookover and questions, she had to leave the room to consult with a specialist. This was so not the way I thought things would play out. My ecstatic hopes of a cure for my broken body were swiftly sucked away with the words she uttered next;

You have to go see this special neurologist, an expert in genetic diseases.

Um, what!? No way, I have a simple damaged nerve, just fix it and let's move on! It turns out that during our meeting I had told her other key elements, besides the winged scapula, mainly the "foot drop." The ability to move your foot up and down at the ankle was not possible on my right side, and this apparently is a tell tale sign of my type of muscular dystrophy. Causing many problems walking, especially distances, as my foot trips constantly. I was not happy.

The neurologist confirmed basically as I walked into the room, simply by the look of my body that I had muscular dystrophy. After explaining to him the fact that I had to bend over the sink and use my left arm to control my right arm simply to brush my teeth, he was beyond convinced. He mentioned that it was a miracle that I had been working as a mechanic, as that type of work is usually just not possible, but my improvisations had helped me along. He still recommended that I quit the job, as physical work on the affected muscle groups makes them deteriorate faster. So I left the job and took up school, this is how I landed here now, following a love of computers towards a degree, with much less strain on my muscles.

It is hard, a lot of the times it seems impossible, but it is doable. The main thing I take from this whole ordeal is that I was doing things I should not have been able to do simply because I did not know that I should not be able to do them. A strange sentence I know, but read it again.Everyone of us is damaged in some fashion, be it physical or other, one persons obstacle may be raising their arms above their head, while another may face demons of the mind. The only thing we can take from this is that we are not alone in the struggle of life, and that if we believe we can do something, we actually can. The only thing that gets in our way is our minds.

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Church, Justice and Daily Reality

I belong to a great community, that is all there is to it. Well that was easy, post over I guess.

Ok, so I will elaborate a bit. Coming up on a year ago now I was apprehensively introduced to Shelter Covenant Church. I admit my hesitance because I was a mental wreck at the time and was not sure where I was going or what I was doing. This place captured me nearly from day one, and one of the most prominent phrases I recall Pastor Sean speaking that evening was,

Welcome to Shelter, we consider ourselves a family here, and welcome you to belong before you believe.

Talk about no pressure, this guy had just uprooted half of the tension causing problems in Church's and I had been there only fifteen minutes. This was gonna be good.



So there he was standing up front, Hawaiian shirt on, no shoes and a shiny bald head, you just could not help but love this guy. It would not be long after that I realized this entire community was populated with folks just as real, sincere and kind as he, and each and every one of them would soon become an integral part of my existence.

We have all heard of the Justice League, and if not, well pick up a comic book. :-) Perhaps amonth into my still wet behind the ears induction at Shelter, I was invited by a friend to come see their Justice League, and it was here I would make my first stab at settlement. They had a group of people meeting whose sole purpose was coordinating and devising ways that they could serve the world around them, not only locally but globally as well. I was so moved by all of this I built a Facebook Cause for them to promote and grow this Justice League. This group sends regular mission trips to places such as Romania and Liberia, Africa, and in fact pay the salary for a Pastor in Liberia by fasting. Through selfless acts and the power of the Lord, we raised over $1,000 to buy a motorcycle for a man there so that he may start his own taxi service business and thus provide for his family. So please visit the Justice League Cause page and have a look, and feel free to follow us on twitter!

On a lighter side, well lighter than saving the world at least, this place has a talent pool like you wouldn't believe. From computer programmers to a dozen teachers, and I think 90% of them are also musicians. I used to think that Christian music was, well boring and lame to say the least, and I am certain there is more than one reason for that thought, but no longer. Listening, and not just hearing, but listening to some of the songs I hear every week has not only taught me things I needed to know, but also helped me find some peace, and even entertainment.

One of the worship leaders, my friend Jesse, was kind enough to let me record them last week and even honored my requested song, a current favorite of mine titled "Draw Nearer", and that I do. I am going to leave you with this video clip, and the brilliant little message Jesse shares before the song begins, I hope you take it to heart and enjoy the song.
And to quote Pastor Sean once again,

We believe following Jesus is simply the best way to live

And I am learning to agree wholeheartedly.
Now, say hi to my buddy...


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The Power of Prayer

Sometimes, airplanes fly in the sky, but you cannot ride a bicycle in the ocean.

What? Exactly. Sometimes it helps us all to think random thoughts, especially when faced with stress or nerve wrecking situations. The carefree attitude that random words present is a nice way, I think, to break the apprehension surrounding fear or topics that are tough, so I used it as my intro here. Plus, it made me laugh! So are we set? Good, then look out for the falling plane and come take a bike ride with me!

So, let me tell you how God came through for me this most recent time...


Day started out normal, like most others, with a morning I wished I could sleep in more and too many projects to do. One such project was finishing up fixing some computers at my friends office, so I was excited about that. I love helping and all things computers, so it was good times for me. Sweet.

As my fixing time comes to a close, I am just running some updates and about to leave I get the phone call. You know the one, where you look at the caller ID and say, "uh, what?" Following that I hesitantly answer to hear a shrill lady telling me she is a tracking investigator and she found me to inform me to contact a lead investigator about my case. Naturally, I responded poetically with an emphatic, "What the sh!@ are you talking about!?"

So it turns out I was being sued in a civil case apparently, and I would get more information when I spoke with the lead guy on the case. Awesome. So I hang up and by this time I am pretty scared to the point of shaking. I mean, come on what now? What could I possibly have done to someone to make them want to sue me? My mind is racing over all the things I could think of which of course leads me to think I am worse than I am, and it does not help the shakes. I stumble into the front office, my hand nearly oscillating enough to drop my precious iPhone, my friend asks if I am OK? No, not really was all I could say.

So she prayed. We prayed. She blessed over me asking God to guide my path and go forth to keep me safe and take care of this with me. And He did. After our prayer my friend gets the caller ID and does a brief search online, discovering this is probably a scam of some sort. I am still nervous but make the call to the number I was given by the "investigator." I was asked my case number and put on hold, so now there is crappy music to deal with also. But when she returned she asked if my birth date matched the one on their file and it did not. She explained sorry for the mix up and I will remove you from our search.

I could have made more of this than it was going to be anyways, but I was scared and it could have been way worse, obviously. And I believe that through faith and the helping touch of God, my path was cleared through the trouble that may have been and used as a helping lesson for me in the power of prayer and faith in our Father.
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